I was moderately to completely wrong.
Apparently... I'm a little heavy handed with the ol' bleach when it comes to dying clothes. Who knew, right? So, instead of sharing a tutorial about dying shorts, I have this tutorial for you instead:
How to Remove the Butt from your Pants in 5 minutes or less:
1). Cut pants to long short length
2). Put on gloves, locate bleach hiding in cabinet
3). Put shorts into large clothing-dying-bowl in sink
4). Pour half a jug of bleach over said pants
4..5). Choke on the sudden and very strong smell of chemicals
5). Fill remainder of bowl with water
6). Leave pants soaking and take dog for walk
7). Come back and rinse bleach (wearing gloves)
8). Put pants in washer
9). Take pants out of washer 15 minutes later
10). Ta-da! Butt-less pants.
Aren't you glad you have me around?